On Relationships And Life

Ever visited a discussion forum? I used to be quite the forum junkie with my horses and not only was a member of many but very active in those places. Over time I found the appeal lessened by realizing just how fake people can be. I have since weaned myself off those forums and life is much happier; however, lately I have found myself surfing the relationship forums from everything from long distance relationships starting with my own LDR to more recently age gap relationship forums and just flat relationship forums hoping to find the secret ingredient to build and keep a happy relationship strong. What I have found is that by and large while the subject line changes, the people do not and the subjects are all based on the same topics. The majority of those topics are based in insecurities and how people deal with them.

About eight months ago I was lucky enough to meet someone that I to this day consider my soulmate. The age difference between us, some 17 years, was quickly overshadowed by the personality of this man that I fell in love with online. It progressed to visiting in person and culminated in a move across country in April to be closer to him and explore where this would take us. To this day I don't feel the age difference there. Though the dynamics changed some with the move and daily stress I still feel that I found my soulmate.

One of the main topics on any relationship forum as mentioned above are questions of security and holding onto relationships. This seems to be a universal problem and spans both men and women, though admittedly women to a much larger degree. So many strong women will fairly wilt in the face of insecurity if it is someone that they love and want to picture in their long term future. Personally, what has been haunting me lately is how to be sure we don't get buried in the mundane of day to day and how to hang onto some of that wonderful, all consuming feeling of acceptance and love that we had early on in our relationship. Due to past baggage I have issues with insecurity and it's a battle that I fight on a daily basis. if I let it, feelings of self-doubt, questions and anxiety take over my day. One article I found really highlighted the problem that insecure people face and gave some great tips for dealing with those feelings without smothering the object of your affection with your overwhelming worries and need for constant reassurances.

One of the points this article brought out is that insecurities are based in self confidence. Again, another problem I've battled all my life. While I recognize that everyone deals with various levels of this, one's own problems always seem worse because they are, well, right in your own mirror. In any case, some of the tips put forth in this article that I try to remember on a daily basis are as follows:

• Focus on what is going right with your relationship rather than what is going wrong. Don't create problems in your head where none exist and don't constantly monitor your partners moods. Having to ask daily "Are you upset with me?" is a manifestation of insecurity. Everyone has moods and you as well as your partner are entitled to your moody days. Ever had a bad day and had everyone you meet ask you "Why are you upset?" Yeah, it's not fun. It gets exhausting constantly having to defend yourself when you just want to hide in your calm place and ignore the world. It's a natural coping mechanism so the next time your partner is having a moody day, just give them some space, take care of yourself and let them find their inner peace without having to fend off your questions and demands for attention. The ebb and flow of mood changes are normal. It's a pretty safe bet that they will come out of it soon and things will be back to normal, even if it takes a couple of days.
• Give your relationship room to grow and breathe. Schedule some time for yourself, doing your own thing so that you are able to keep your own mental peace and grounding at an optimum. Even in a serious, committed relationship it isn't necessary to be with your partner every waking moment. I'm not saying avoid spending time with them, but do things for yourself too. Hide in the bedroom and read a book, go for a bike or horseback ride, go shopping on your own, turn off your cell phone and take a walk are all things that will help ground you and give you time to yourself. Hopefully your partner has things they enjoy that they can participate in on their own as well to help with their own inner calm. The hope is that you will come back together rested, relaxed and able to enjoy each others company even more than before.
• Don't mind read. Men relax by being quiet and a woman's nature is to talk. Everyone has a right to their own thoughts and time to themselves to consider these thoughts. Don't constantly wonder what someone is thinking if they go quiet. Silence is normal and healthy. Constantly harassing someone as to their thoughts will make people withdraw further into themselves.
• Focus on the good in your relationship. Don't dwell on past relationships and compare them to the present. Learn to relax and enjoy your partner for what you have now without stressing about what might happen down the road. There are no certainties in life and there are no certainties in relationships.
• Learn to be self-assured. Get in the habit of reassuring yourself. If you have fears challenge them with the question "what evidence is there for this fear?" and move forward from there. If you must, write down those fears and then write down the foundation for them. More often than not they are all in our heads. Remember that even if the worse happens and you wind up on your own again, life will go on and you will heal and you will survive.

I am not sure there is such thing as a perfect relationship. Men and women are just wired differently and it's a cruel twist of fate that the wiring is so very different that we wind up going in completely different directions sometimes. Us women are our own worse enemies on this front because we tend to sit and constantly analyze where we are, dissecting every mood or statement. As I said, it is something I battle constantly. There are millions of very lonely people out there. While I truly believe there is someone for everyone out there, many of these people will wind up either settling for something they are not happy with, or staying single out of fear of loving and being loved.

I guess my message through all of this rambling is to not pass something up because you are afraid to love, or are afraid that it won't be what you imagined in your head. It's not fair to believe or expect that you can control a relationship so that it is everything you wanted and needed. So much of the dynamics of a relationship are based in compromise and understanding that it turns into an ever changing thing, growing and moving on it's own. Enjoy it for what it is, cherish the one you love, live and love for the moment and let the future take care of itself. Life is too short and too uncertain to pass up something beautiful because of what it may or may not be down the road.

I hope, if you are battling with a problem like this, that in some way this helps. It's a very common problem for women especially and trust me when I say I understand, I truly do. I adore my guy. He is so special to me and even though there are days and times I could quite cheerfully strangle him, I wouldn't give him up for the world and don't want to go through life worrying and wondering. Whatever the future holds and whatever direction it takes, I welcome it with open arms.

Ok ok ok.. OK

I admit I've been a little lax posting here. Ok, I've been A LOT lax but my only excuse is damn, it's hot. With temps soaring in my area into the 110's and above it just sucks the creativity out of me. Of course, the content writing is going well, not like it needs creativity. Pfft..

Anyway, updates on things in Texoma. We took the biggest and most important load of stuff to Electra last night and got more or less settled in. Definitely need to go shopping for new air conditioners when the weather cools and they go on sale. Even if cost wasn't an issue, right now there are none to be found.. anywhere...around here. We have a tiny one in the bedroom that cooled it pretty well eventually but man, I was glad to see Daniel come to bed dragging the fan with him. I hated to get up this morning, not because I was over tired but because that was the only cool room in the house. O.o

We picked up the dogs last night too and now have Gabby, the black pug and Brownie the.. err.. I'm not sure what Brownie is. He's "supposed" to be chihuahua and pomeranian but he looks like a mini german shepherd. I told Daniel last night I was going to start calling him Rin Tin Tin. The only reason I doubt this lineage is because he is one of the sweetest little guys and we all know chihuahuas and poms neither one are known for their people skills. Oh well, he still loved us after a bath and they both seem content. It's fun to have little feet in the house again and while no dog will ever replace Cookie, at least I have one to cuddle up with now. I don't even mind the dog hair.

Still have lots to do at the house. I was sitting there last night contemplating the painting and some repair work. My poor man will be good and sick of it all before it's over with but if we do it one thing at a time it won't be so bad. The house is uber cute and I love it. I can't wait to start fixing it up and doing stuff to make it really pretty inside.

First things first though.. Ac's before anything else or I'm just going to sweat, soap up and then sweat it off as a rinse cycle. Yeah I know... gross. Deal with it. Trust me, the alternative is much worse.

Now the fun of unpacking everything has started. The common discussion in the house right now is "Do you know where  (insert item in question). is?" to which the answer is always "uhmm.. in a box somewhere." Makes for great conversations, let me tell you. Though it does break the monotony of sweating and sticking to everything and everyone.

On the upside, today we have had a cold front. It was only 102 outside and with a breeze it felt like the high 80's. It will still hot, but a much needed break. Supposed to have 30% chance of rain tomorrow and OMG if it rains I swear I'm going to waller around in it in the front yard. That should sufficiently traumatize the neighbors, not to mention the cats, dogs, small children, mice and little old ladies 3 counties over. Hmm.. I wonder if it would make the news....

Otherwise it's life as normal. I like Electra to be honest though there is -nothing- out there. It's very quiet even at night and I slept like a baby once I stopped sticking to the mattress last night. Tonight is arranging the bedroom (with the bed RIGHT in front of the AC of course) and unpacking some clothes, getting the bed together etc and trying to figure out something cool for supper. Then flopping on the couch with Daniel and Megan to watch some Voyager and relax until it's cool enough to go to sleep.

Blah.. too hot to blog. More later I promise. Still have a rocking review for my girl Valerie to do and a couple of other projects in the works. Watch this space. If I don't melt and pour down the drain somewhere I'll have another post on here soon and I promise it to be more interesting than this one.